Dear Olu: We like to forgive you, but…

Dear News Maker

Dear Olu,

AKA Humble Prince, we like to forgive you. Not because you are deserving of it. But we just went through your profile and saw the problem.

One, you support Arsenal. I feel bad torturing an Arsenal fan. That will be too cruel. So I digress. I leave you for the torture already coming to you from being an Arsenal supporter.

Two, I discovered what the original problem is. You are pained that Jand girls allow you have your way easily. So you decided to give them the most Nigerian stylish awards. Because Tiwa didn’t allow you ‘touch’ the way you touch Jand girls…

You think lady Tiwa gives it to everyone right? Well, you must be a Wizkid standard before she considers you. Until you grow to become a Wizzy, you can keep your hands to the Jand girls. I hear Jand girls can’t afford to make proper clothes. They are that cheap. They just wrap themselves with the fabric and call it fashion. It’s those ones you compare with our very stylish women?

Maybe we need to invite you to a proper Naija event. So you come see the meaning of stylish. Our Nigerian ladies in Nigeria do not ‘economize’, they go for ‘lavish’. Come and see their opulence, in style, in shape, in everything.

But as a Yankee boy, you won’t know all these things. After all, you are used to Jollof rice with Ketchup! What do you know? Comparing Nigerians in Yankee to our original Naija girls is like comparing Jollof made here to Jollof done there.

You need to come down here and see the endowments of our girls. You will confess. The ones with giant asses, especially the Yoruba women, will show you what fashion means. The same way the slim girls will show you that fashion is an exported item from Nigeria.

I understand you though. What we haven’t experienced is usually beyond us. We need to give you a ‘Bolanle Pepper Dem’ experience. And then finish you with a ‘Pawon’ drill. By the time our girls are done with you, your eyes and mouth will be in agreement. That there’s nothing like a fashionable Naija woman living in Naija.

When Burna Boy was staying in Jand and later moved to Yankee, he couldn’t release any song like YE!

It was the Nigerian ladies living in Naija that inspired him to sing YE! He saw them and shouted Ye!!! I know you will soon shout Ye. But for your sins. We will delay that experience. Until you tender an apology. We will not invite you to host any event in Nigeria. You go ahead with your Master of Ceremony gig in Jand. Where they pay you and ask for ‘change’.

Go on eating ketchup Jollof. We ban you from our Owambe Parties. No body-Jollof for you to caress. No food-Jollof for you to taste. Go and enjoy your fake Jand Jollof and women. Nigerian women in Nigeria pay without collecting ‘change‘. And they help your ‘MC’ job. Because they turn up and get down in style.

Even white men are exodusing to Naija to find themselves proper Naija girls. Haven’t you seen videos of white men dancing like they got high on cocaine in their Naija Wedding parties? You don’t know why? Well, what do you know…

I salute my original naija babes. They have no rival. I trust their egos are still intact. You can’t break them with your talk. They know their worth. They know their style. They have done well over the years, even Beyonce has had to study them to know what to wear. Cardi B came and saw how stylish they are. She didn’t know when she decided to be called Chioma B.

Thanks to the ladies of Naija, the Ankara Fabric is a global item. You don’t know these facts if you are used to fake cheap girls you can ‘touch’ for cheap. One touch-denial you are talking trash. Don’t worry. We will set you up.

We will invite you to come see an event. All our proper ladies will be there to Pepper You. You touch, you die.

You better start writing that apology letter.

Your Ketch Up Jollof spotter,

PS: Tiwa is suing you for the little touching you did before her bodyguard shouted at you.

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