Dear Ronaldo: Thou art alien

Yours Footbally

Dear Ronaldo,

Seven gunshots salute to you from us at Jersey Number Twelveheadquarters. Your fans are truly elated to the skies and back. They are glad they have you as their hero. I dare say it’s true. You’ve been nothing short of a mix of miracle and magic.

You are alien number 001. The best there is. At the moment you defy logic. You’ve always defied elements. So we are getting used to having you do your thing. Let’s have a quick look at the list of elemental laws you have rubbished:

— laws of gravity defied.
— laws of diminishing returns defied.
— special theory of relativity defied.

Old age has meant stronger goal toes for you.

“The closer the speed of an object approaches the speed of light, the more warped lengths and time intervals become”, your hot shots on targets goes contrary to this rule.

When you go up, in front of the goal post, you don’t come down unless the ball rubs the back of the net. 
If I was asked to assemble body parts of different soccer star to make my ideal player. I will have:

— Xavi’s microscopic eyes,
— Zlatan’s built-for-fitness body,
— Messi’s sniper left foot,
— Cruyff’s pythagorean brains,
— Vieri’s powerful chest,
— Koeman’s muscular upper legs,
— Beckham’s controlling right foot,


— Your neck.

Yeah, in Nigeria parlance, ‘your neck dey there’. A customized Cristiano Ronaldo ‘s neck.

Your neck is the amazing weapon and key to your powerful headings. Aren’t Real Madrid just blessed? Of course, the team is more than blessed to have two great necks in you and • Ramos • .

Stylish, brilliant, talented and handsome. Quite a brand figure you are. I have seen you act in some of your very theatrical ads. I must attest to the impeccability of the thespian side of you.

Won’t be out of place to nickname you the ‘James Bond’ of soccer. Especially with your swagger spells on the ladies. But I really will like to know why you don’t have a regular wife mothering your children. Fix me a reply.

You make too much money. The figures and assets are just off the roof. I do not think your elder brother Hugo, elder sisters Elma and Liliana, your mum, kids and baby mamas should ever work. I wish to be in that circle. Buh…wishes aren’t horses, so beggers won’t ride.

You are now the father of the house. Things your daddy, Jose, couldn’t do. Well, you can sure do them now. Life’s ironic, you know? Your dad was poor and a heavy consumer of alcohol. must You are wealthy and don’t take alcohol. It must feel super cool to own exotic hotels and mansions. You must also try not to forget where you are coming from.

Many see you now and will never be able to reconcile that you once stayed in a face-me-and-face-you one-room apartment. Not just you in that one room home, you and the other 3 kids and your parents. I imagine your parents sending all the kids out to play whenever they wanted to do their do. You going straight to the street to kick a ball made from bags and foam. While Hugo, Elma, and Liliana go hawk some wares for money to support the family.

With a staggering net worth of £250 million ($321.5 million), the poverty of yester-years is nothing but ‘forgotten tales’. You have been called a mobile billboard, because of the multi-million dollars endorsements and deals on you. What more can I say? Just keep doing your thing, it’s over 600 goals and still counting.

You may want to help Madrid find a successor, that’s if you care about what happens to the team when you finally hang your boots. I know, in your mind you think you’ll still play for another seven years. But at some point of the game, your mind gives up to the dictations of your body. It is happening to Zlatan Ibrahimović already. He’s got the best positive mind in the world, but his body just dragged him to LA Galaxy.

You must start preparing for tomorrow. The resting program may not work in few months time. But until we see, expect me to keep inking. I expect you to keep scoring. My love to the kids: Martina, Maria, Ronaldo Jr and Mateo.

Yours Footbally,

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